Going to School Alone

Prema had her first week of school going alone and thankfully it was quite successful. At least so far. The funny thing about children with RAD is that it may have been successful at school, with none to minimal behavior problems at school but coming home can be a completely different story. If Prema felt unsafe with the adults in charge and took way too much energy to keep herself "safe" at school she will then fall apart at home. The melt downs at home tend to target the new mom for not keeping her safe like her old mom did. In the past this meant hitting me, kicking me, biting me, pulling my hair, and refusing any form of affection from me. Thankfully the abuse has ended, but sometimes Prema is still unwilling to accept the affection. Other results of the melt down often can involve complete defiance to do anything we ask (including staying in one spot) and constantly trying to annoy me and make me (mom) mad. Sometimes it has gotten to the point of tapping in constantly from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet without stopping to get my attention, following me around everywhere, or doing anything she knows that makes me mad (and sadly there are many). The other side of the coin is that I really struggle to stay calm when she is trying to get my goat...sometimes the deep breaths don't cut it and other other two boys tend to sense my stress and add to it some more.

Last year we realized in October that Prema had Reactive Attachment Disorder and was not ready for school at all. She didn't see Kyle and I as authority, had no conscience and was functioning like a 1 year old. In school she was falling apart at recess and lunch. We got reports of her stabbing kids with sticks and trying to choke them. We also were told she couldn't sit still and needed a weight jacket to keep her calm on the carpet. We learned about attachment therapy at home and started in the end of October. Prema went crazy with the beginning of the therapy. Once our expectations increased with self motivation, thinking and doing for yourself, and challenging her idea that she was in control she was furious. In her fight for control she destroyed her room in rages and refused to do anything for days (literally 3 days standoff to pick up some palm seeds). The stories are endless. We immediately kept her out of school for a week to prove to Prema we were in control and would wait her out. After 2 weeks at home, the school allowed me to shadow Prema at school for 2 weeks. In that time it was very evident that Prema was drowning. She didn't have the language, basic knowledge, maturity, and emotional health to stay in school. We immediately removed her from school for full time homeschooling. During her homeschooling time we tried to focus only on her behavior therapy and getting her to grow emotionally and developmentally through play and helping around the house. Slowly Prema improved in all areas. It was a struggle to have her around all the time, with few breaks. It was a struggle to not be able to spend the time I wanted with Isaac and later Eli. It was also a struggle to hold back and just allow her to be the one, two , three, etc year old that she needed to be knowing she was really 10 years old and still not reading. The teacher in me wanted to pound math, reading and writing into her at times even though I knew it wasn't best for her. Thankfully I had Kyle's mom to help me with the housework and the boys, especially when Prema would resist anything.

This year we decided it was time for Prema to go back to school. She had come along way in attaching to me, had a stronger conscience, knew a lot more langauge and basic knowlege, could sit still for longer periods of time, and was showing she was beginning to be a bit eager to learn standard academics. I had tried and tried at home to teach her the academics myself, but Prema always put up a fight with me (RAD thing) and it became power battles over and over again ultimately not helping our relationship. I wanted and needed to spend more time with the boys but couldn't with Prema home full time because of the difficulty in finding people to watch her (another RAD thing...not just anyone can do it). We knew that it might not be the best thing for Prema to put her back in school but it was better for me and the rest of the family.

In August we contacted the school with our decision to place Prema back in school but requested a meeting with all staff who have worked with Prema in the past and will be working with her in the future. The school was extremely cooperative. The meeting was filled with 19 people in all. We came with our wants and our RAD therapist and Deaf advocate to support our desires and help us make final decisions. People we did not even request attended the meeting such as the principal, head of Deaf Ed, school counselor and psychologist. We left with all of our requests met and a common understanding of what Prema needs for a successful school year.

Prema started school a week later. The agreements from the meeting included a different teacher from last year, no more than 5 half days a week attending school, minimizing the number of adults working with her, no lunch, gym, art or music classes at school, no recess at school, and training of the staff working with Prema by me. We have been elated with how cooperative the school has been. Prema has a wonderful teacher, Mrs. Green, who has become a good friend to me. Mrs. Green has been extremely accommodating to meet Prema's needs along with her OT and PT teachers. Prema is currently attending 3 half days a week, at which time she gets one on one teaching at almost all times for reading, writing, math, and OT and PT. Since August I have been going to school with Prema to train the teachers and help Prema feel safe (not worrying if I had left her there for good). Until the end of December I slowly pulled back month after month, not in my presence at the school but in letting the teachers take control of Prema's behavior management. At the end of December Prema's behavior at home was continually quite good, showing us she was feeling safe at school. We decided that I would start to leave Prema alone with the teachers but remain in the building. Last week she was completely alone at school but I stayed at the school incase there was a problem. This week I was able to come home and be with boys. So far so good.

Prema will continue to go to school alone for a few more weeks before we start to consider increasing her time at school. Logistics with recess, lunch, and other teacher planning times make it a bit messy along with trying to keep the number of adults working with Prema to a minimum.

Another exciting part of this time has been the training portion. Part of my training the teachers included a one hour presentation on how to support the home with RAD children. I was invited by the principal to present to all teachers working with the 3 students diagnosed with RAD that attend Prema's school. Those teachers along with the entire staff of interpreters and other staff members that were interested along with both the principal, asst. principal and head of Deaf Ed attended. I was extremely grateful for the opportunity to help Prema and the other students feel more safe at school. Since the presentation I have seen huge changes in the staff that attended. People are finally ignoring Prema when they are not working with her (she gets easily distracted, and worries about people she doesn't know), her teachers are making very wise decisions to help Prema on their own without consulting me because they have a deeper understanding of what is going on with her, and other students are having better times at school because of changes teachers have made. It was mentioned that I may have the opportunity to present again to the rest of the staff and other parents, but no plans yet. We'll see.

So please just keep Prema, our family and all the teachers working with Prema in your prayers as we all continue to work towards attachment, academic achievement (still so much ground to make up), and an emotionally healthy child.